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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I've encountered lots of different types of antis in my day, and I find them all deplorable. See my list below:

1. Barks up the wrong tree: The kind of anti that tries to convert you, even though you work/volunteer at an abortion clinic, wear a coathanger pendant around your neck, carry an "I [heart] Reproductive Rights" bag, or otherwise indicate that you've already chosen a side.

2. Carries a sign: This anti prefers to boil all the complexities of pregnancy, abortion, and decision-making into one trite slogan, e.g. "I'm a child, not a choice."

3. Yells a lot: That's about it.

4. Prays for you (a): A young, sometimes prissy female anti who is more concerned about your salvation than about feeding starving children, who seems to have forgotten that good works, not kvetching, get you into Heaven.

5. Prays for you (b): A morose dude who likes to moan without saying anything articulate.

6. Pedophiles-to-be: Usually an older priest with several younger ones in tow. Hoping that women have more babies to serve as their lust objects.

7. The born-again: She regrets her abortion. But, ironically, if she hadn't had one to begin with she'd have no cause to which to devote her free time and would not be a better person today.

8. Living proof: Someone whose mother considered an abortion, or attempted one that failed, who grew up to be a productive member of society, spending Saturday mornings yelling things in the street.

9. Song in the heart: You'd think I'd tire of tone-deaf renditions of Ave Maria by scratchy-voiced youth, but nope!

10. The solution: These antis can solve all your problems with a pamphlet and a phone number.

11. The Oscar nominee: Riveting in the role of "fetus pleading for its life", portrayed with all the sincerity and believability of Keanu Reeves or Lindsay Lohan.

12. Never too early: How charming is youth! Nothing thrills me more than a 4-year-old telling me what to do.

Still, loud or quiet, belligerent or holier-than-thou: THEY ALL SUCK.


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